Unpromising

Today has been horrible. I can’t say it can’t get any worse, cause it surely can get so much worse. However, I feel very frustrated and I feel like everything is going against me. It’s like I can’t get anything right. I don’t mean to jump to conclusions, but this doesn’t seem very promising. I just wish things could go naturally okay without me having to force everything and trying to make everything go right. To be honest I longer if there’s someone who likes me or not. And even if there’s someone who does, I’m pretty sure they have no idea who I really am. How beautiful would it be to find someone who loves the flawed you. Someone who can still look at you like you’re the most beautiful thing on earth even if you’re angry or depressed. Ok this might have sounded  a bit cheesy, but seriously, I’m done trying to be that very nice person.. pretending that all I do is work hard because as you know, working hard is attractive and shit. I’m not saying I don’t care about being smart or clever, of course I do. We all deep inside know that smart and clever people are always looked up to and who wouldn’t want to be looked up to? But it feel as though I’m trying so hard to be that perfect student that works hard all the time and get the best grades, but it doesn’t seem to work. Maybe it’s because I’m kinda weak or incapable of managing my time. Actually, I sorta know how to manage my time. I just don’t know how to control my mind. It keeps distracting me all the time, and I can’t stop it. I think about things that are not even going to happen and about people who don’t give the tiniest shit about me. With all honesty, the only thing that motivates me to study and is kinda keeping me going is the fact that I wanna study abroad so bad. I also want to be successful. Everyone does, and whoever says the opposite is a huge liar. Last but not least, I really don’t wanna think about this guy. I don’t wanna get stuck into the endless spiral again. I can’t. I’m just praying that God gives me the ability and will to focus on improving myself only and becoming a better person.

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